The Lawrence Massacre may not be the most well known stain on America’s dinner-skirt, but a lot of Americans sure went tits-up. Lawrence was a pro-union town in newly-founded Kansas at 5 a.m. on August 21, 1863 - the middle year of the War of the States - when William Clarke Quantrill’s Confederate raiders stormed the town. By 9 a.m. over 200 would be dead and Lawrence nearly wiped off the map. Having strapped themselves to their saddles in order to sleep while riding, Quantrill’s quarrelsome crew carrying multiple multi-shot revolvers - in a stroke of speed and meticulous guerilla-style planning - goosed the Union company stationed there and systematically killed the male population. As if this wasn’t embarrassing enough for the town of Lawrence, Jayhawking Senator James H. Lane - the target of the raid - barely escaped death by a half-naked sprint through his cornfield in just a night-shirt. Under tremendous public scrutiny for his cowardly act, Lane shot himself three years later.

Pussy Politician Exposes Pryvates

We here at DontPry have received a gaggle of angry emails about my most recent column about Republican Presidential candidate John McCain. Many of you were outraged at my “casual suggestion that this war hero did cocaine,” and one studious reader pointed out that “80% of the articles written on this site talk about cocaine or other drugs.”

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CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. - Scientists have exposed some of the mystery behind the northern lights. On Thursday, NASA released findings that indicate magnetic explosions about one-third of the way to the moon cause the northern lights, or aurora borealis, to burst in spectacular shapes and colors, and dance across the sky. However, some people aren’t convinced with this explanation…….

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Radovan Karadžić, accused of personal and command responsibility for numerous war crimes committed against non-Serbs, in his roles as Supreme Commander of the Bosnian Serb armed forces and President of the National Security Council of the Republika Srpska, was recently apprehended after many years on the run.

However, the tales of this mans bearded disguise have taken on legendary status as he was not only able to live in his home country, but also set up a company for alternative medicines of which he had an “Intern” design the website.

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Well, as many of you have read on Gawker.com or in the New York Observer, Sen. McCain and I are old classmates. Actually, I am his senior by a few years, but we had many of the same teachers growing up and if I remember correctly (my teenage years were not memorable, let me tell you) McCain and I used to play pick-up football every Friday afternoon.

This was back in the days when a field of boys in blue jeans gang tackling each other and leaving pools of blood on the sidewalk wasn’t a big deal. The games were good enough that my father and his drinking buddies would come a little early to catch the last score before driving me home.

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Mention salvia to gardeners and chances are they’ll think of a flower with spikes of purple blooms. Mention it to young people on local campuses and they might think of a related plant, salvia divinorum, which produces short, intense hallucinogenic trips when smoked.

Look for salvia on the Drug Enforcement Administration’s list of illicit drugs, however, and it won’t be there. Salvia divinorum is legal in most states, including Massachusetts, and available in both smoke and head shops and on the Internet.

That could well change. A bill that would outlaw salvia in the Commonwealth is moving through the Legislature.

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To the father of the child pooping on Boston Common - w4m (Boston)

Me: Young professional walking home through the Boston Common.

You: Father of the half naked child pooping on the Boston Common.

I know Art Linkletter and Bill Cosby taught us that kids say and do the DARNDEST of things… but really? Letting your kid drop a deuce on Boston Common? No. And there wasn’t a single dog around for you to try to pass it off as their imitating what they were seeing, so don’t try to use that as an excuse. Diaper that kid up, or take them to a bathroom, they were squatting as if they had been potty trained already. I assume since you didn’t do either of these things to begin with that you also didn’t have a plastic bag to pick up their gift to the grass. So, in the future, please, at the very least, curb your child. Thank you kindly.