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Las Manos, Honduras:

Diego Abdulas Ramirez the III a.k.a “The White Whale,” was arrested on Wednesday afternoon in a small but well known whore house near Las Manos, Honduras, just over the Nicaraguan boarder. C.I.A. members where able to locate The Whale after receiving a tip on his whereabouts from Denise Yetman, a Brocton Public school teacher and former wife, The Boston Herald reported earlier in the week. The Whale became infamous in Boston in the late 60’s and early 70’s for his connection with “Boston” George Jung and his control over the cocaine and marijuana flow into the Boston area during the 70’s and 80’s. That and his insaitiable appetite for fatty foods and burger joints which led him to be banned from several “all you can eat” buffets in the greater Boston area, including The Rainbow Buffet in Watertown and China Dynasty at Downtown Crossing. The Whale, who is now almost 70 years old, will most likely spend the rest of his life in jail after he is arraigned later this week at Dedham District Court.

(File Photo of the White Whale, somewhere in Mexico cerca 1998)

Ramirez was born in Chiapas, Mexico in 1943. His father was a goat hearder and his mother was a toothless prostitute. This may explain Diego’s affinity toward whore houses. He crossed into the states illegally in 1962 and by 1967, had made it into Boston and met up with a young man who was known as “Boston George.” He teamed up with Jung and his girlfriend, a stewardess at Logan International Airport, and began smuggling marijuana from California to Boston. When Jung moved to bigger and better things, Ramirez established himself in the South Boston area and is said to have controlled every illegal drug action in that area until 1992, when he was ousted by Joey “The Rat,” Burgnoli in a FBI sting operation. During the years between 1972 and 1973, Ramirez is said to have gone from a healthy 5′6″ 140lbs. to an amazing 325lbs. Some say this is the biggest weight gain in world “history,” though it was not properly documented to make it into The Guiness Book of World Records. Many leading food and nutrition experts argue if this type of massive weight gain is even possible. Either way, it was during this time that Ramirez gained his name and reputation as “The White Whale,” began seeking out all you can eat buffets and restuarants, and systematically putting them out of business, one plate of food at a time.

After being ousted by “The Rat,” Ramirez fled to Mexico and made it into to the FBI’s most wanted list. He was seen on the popular TV show America’s Most Wanted in March of 1994 and his recognition on the streets of Boston grew. Many restuarant owners who had banished The Whale or who had been put out of business by his massive gut did not even realize who he was or that he was wanted by the FBI for trafficking narcotics. Flyer’s of The Whale began appearing in restuarants and bars across the Boston area. He became a local celebrity and a patron saint to those who over indulged in food or drink. At one famous seafood restuarant in Fanueuil Hall there is a barstool that remains vacant at all times in hopes of The Whale’s return, even to this day.

Meanwhile, the Whale was leading the FBI on a multi country scavenger hunt which placed him in a new country almost daily. Due to his immense size, he was easily spotted in a crowd and forced to keep moving through Latin America throughout the 90’s and into the 2000’s. Duing this time The Whale shrunk back down to 250lbs. but was still a legandary eater and drinker and had a bankroll that was seemingly endless. Every town across Latin America has a “White Whale Story,” and he is said to be the father of literaly hundreds of children, “Baby Whales,” if you will. Finally, the FBI received a tip from a Brocton school teacher, the Whale’s former wife, who claimed to have recently talked via Skype with the Whale who claimed to be “Still nailing fresh putas and eating many tacos everyday in Honduras.”

When police found him, he was out behind the whore house in a BBQ pit area. He had recently climaxed and was smoking a cigar in front of a huge, roasting pig. “I thought you’d never find me, you fucking swine,” he said admist a shit eating grin, “let me alone to enjoy my last meal before you haul me off to the big house.”

The Whale is set to be sentenced this Friday in Dedham District Court. Cheers to over indulgance and Cheers to The White Whale.